These are probably just rainy-day thoughts, but what’s a blog for if you can’t open up to all your imaginary friends, right? It’s obvious that as you approach middle age, your metabolism slows down and it gets harder and harder to keep off extra weight. I keep waiting for the body I had as a 20-year-old to show up, and it’s just not happening. (Not that it was that great anyway, but at least I was a size 34, instead of a 38 like I am now.) As a working, married father of two, there are so many demands on my time that unless I give up sleeping, regular daily exercise is almost an impossibility. I do OK for awhile, and then my commitment wavers. I don’t see the immediate results that I used to see, and I get discouraged. I want to do better, but I also don’t want to become some kind of exercise nut at the expense of my family, whom I love more than anything. I once heard Terry Francona, manager of the Red Sox, say, “Some things never change. I woke up this morning and I still had no hair.” Well I wake up every morning and I still see a chubby guy in the mirror, no matter what I do. Women are traditionally supposed to have “body image issues”, but I can tell you from experience that men have them too. I mentioned in an earlier post that sometimes I really feel the dichotomy between the physical person I am and the person I wish I was. I want to have the vital energy that hard core yoga practitioners have. I want to eat only whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables, instead of tortilla chips, pizza and beer. I want to be able to wake up at 4 AM to do an hour’s worth of yoga, but my body wants to sleep. In many of the spiritual texts I’ve read, there are strong criticisms of the lazy and indolent. These kinds of people won’t be able to seriously undertake a path of true personal growth. I know I’m supposed to go easy on myself, but at the same time I feel like I go too easy. I keep thinking that maybe when I turn forty this August, I’ll wake up and have an epiphany. I’ll finally find that inner strength, that willpower, to make the healthy changes to my lifestyle that I know I need to make. But I’m also a realist. I know that the only changes that can last are the gradual ones. Maybe by writing all this down, I can make a commitment to all of you that I’m going to try and change my ways. I’m going to try not to be lazy and indolent. I’m going to try and wake up earlier and do yoga, at least a few sun salutations, before going to work. I’m going to give up the beer. I’m going to give up caffeine. I’m going to get more aerobic exercise. I’m going to eat healthier. I’m going to look like the guys in the Kripalu catalog…someday.